Drowning in a sea of possibilites?

The water bombards me from every direction. I finally get my head above the water only to be submerged by the next wave. On and on I fight but it never seems to end. Eventually the storm dies down, the sun rises, and I can see my surroundings. I am in the middle of a great ocean, its shinny blue expanse spreads out all around me. Its beauty is both astounding and terrifying... what do I do now?

Sometimes I feel as if I am drowning in a sea of possibilities... like I can do everything and nothing at the same time. At the moment I do have a lot of options but if I feel like if I don't pick one or do something now soon they will all be gone and I will have lost my chance.

All through year 12 I have been told repeatedly about the great opportunities that are to come. I have been told about all the great chances I can have... the world is my oyster! But sometimes I feel like asking what opportunities? I know I can have "everything" but can I have anything specific? Can you tell me about an opportunity that fits with all my passions yet doesn't cut me off from anything?

I found it hard enough just choosing my year 11 and 12 subjects, I was one of those people who could not decide what subjects to do because I wanted to try everything, I didn't want to narrow my options at all. I felt as if by making a decision on subjects I was narrowing my options, closing one more door that could not be opened again. That feeling is magnified even more so now. I am choosing a uni course not out of 10 or so subjects but out of hundreds of degrees with so many different specialisations. And I have to pick one, just one and be satisfied with that.

Rather than feeling as if I have so many opportunities I just feel lost. How I am meant to investigate all these options? How do I know if there is some degree that I haven't discovered that is perfect for me? How do I know if I have picked the wrong preferences? And if I follow my English/History side will I soon forget all the Biology and Chemistry knowledge I have worked so hard to culminate this year. Will I be shutting myself off from that part of the world? But if I choose a broad degree will I be able to get into anything later? After all I am in the real world and I do need to earn a living eventually.

All these questions plague and torment me. As I am sure they torment everyone. Making decisions is hard because whenever you choose to do something you are inherently choosing not to do something else, whether it is actually giving up something else or just sacrificing some free time.

It is times like these that I am thankful I have God. I have someone who is watching over me, who is looking through all my options and who has a plan mapped out for me that both fulfills my deepest longings and gives me a purpose. But it is also times like these that I feel uneasy because it means that I have to put my trust in God and His great unknown. I have to leap beyond my own abilities and efforts and trust that He can make up the difference. And that is hard. Especially when it seems as if so much could go wrong, especially when my future is at stake.

It is now that I am reminded of a verse in Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans I have for you" declares the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future."
... And I let out a deep sigh. My future is in the hands of the Great Creator, the Great provider, my human efforts are nothing in comparison to His. God has a plan mapped out for my life and although at the moment it may seem vague and elusive He is guiding me at this very moment, watching over me. So I will trust in Him.

I encourage you to do so as well. Stop worrying about the big picture and let God take care of it. Trust in His will and His way and follow his direction.
Step out and trust in God because he has a plan for your life.
A wonderful, glorious plan.

drama.

A girl torn between 2 handsome men, who does she love?
A tangled web of secrets, whose past will soon catch up with them?
In a game or love and war, who will be the first to fall?

The drama of the television captures me, captures us. The love triangles, secrets and seduction enthrall us. For some reason the drama is enticing.

Loving drama on the screen is one thing but sometimes I find myself wishing for real life drama. Wishing that something would happen, that someone would break up or that a bitchy comment would be overheard, just so that things would get interesting... but why? I know that I am not alone, you can tell by the way people flock to drama the way everyone wants to hear about the latest gossip, of who's dating who or who just broke up, people crave drama but again I ask why?

Is it because it makes life more interesting or is it because we like to watch others fall? But then not all drama is associated with the bad, drama can be good like who just got engaged and is keeping it a secret. Is it that we like secrets? That it makes us feel better if we know something that no one else does? That we have something that is shared by only a few? Or is it that we are addicted to the drama that we see on tv? Do we think that our life is not fulfilling if it is not drama filled? If there is not something new happening all the time?

We know that our lives are imperfect so is clinging to the drama a way of perfecting the imperfection, of creating meaning and passion in all of it. We crave passion. Whether it is passionate love, hate, jealousy or joy. So is the pursuit of drama just a pursuit of passion? If it is a pursuit of passion then maybe we are looking in the wrong place.

The passion seen in the dramas on tv or in the make-ups and break-ups at school or work is usually not slow burning. The love triangle in your favourite soap soon dissolves and the excitement over a new relationship soon burns out. And again you are left with the same boredom, the same lack of passion. So we must pursue the passion again, get that next installment of the tv series or follow up on the latest rumour. But the search is never ending and each time the passion dies.

I think the reason we are attracted to tv and little real life dramas is because it gives us a taste of passion. But that is all it can give, a taste. I think that it arouses something deep within us, something that most people don't know how to pursue. A longing to feel a deep connection to something or someone. To find the things that make life worth living, that transform life from a avoidance or countdown towards death into a journey of life.

Unfortunately the pursuit of this long lasting passion is much harder and sometimes it can get lost amongst the world. Dancing is something that I love, that I have a passion for but sometimes I can lose sight of that. I can get caught up in comparing my skills to others or weighing up my weaknesses as a dancer; wishing that I had started dancing sooner or that I had more formal training, condemning myself. I lose sight of what I love. I forget about the simple expression in the movements, the freedom in the turns and leaps and the feeling of being one with the rhythm and beat of a song..

I find the same thing with my faith. I can lose sight of God's love and the safety and security I feel when I am close to God and surrendered to His love and His way. I forget the passion. I lose it to this world. Sometimes I think it is the fast passion found in the drama of the world that ruins that slow burning passion. The drama which gives us a taste and leads us to unlock the craving for the lasting passion is the very thing that can ruin it. It is a vicious cycle. But I think that it is reflective of the society we live in.

We live in a society that promises instant gratification. See that new shirt that you like? Doesn't matter if you can't afford it, put it on credit and pay it off later. Your favourite band has just released a new album, don't wait until it comes out just download it. This works for a short time but eventually that credit card bill will arrive or the band will stop releasing albums because no one is left to financially support their music. The same with passion, as I said before it will burn out and there will be nothing left, often less than nothing- sometimes a mess is left behind.

What I am trying to say is don't get caught up in the drama of this world. Don't get lured in by the promises or fulfillment or by the temporary feeling of passion. Because it won't last. Follow those things that last. Hold onto those things that you keep coming back to that bring you simple joy, hold tight to your faith that brings meaning to your life. These are the things that lead to fulfillment. These are the things that add up to give you life not a docket of regrets or a debt of sorrow. Life may be hard and sometimes you may have to work to keep your passion alive but if you don't you will be left with nothing but melted candles from a temporary flame. And I don't know about you but that is not what I want, I want my life to be a fire that burns strong and true and leaves nothing left but a mark of the passion it beheld.

http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=fire&order=9&offset=24#/davr4w

I need other people??

A picture my dad took in the Flinder's Ranges

The vast outback spreads out in front of me, in the distance I can see some mountains and I can hear the calls of birds nesting in the gum trees that block out the hot sun behind me. Besides the natural sounds of animals and the rustling of the leaves in the trees there is no noise. There is no one out here except me. I am alone and isolated and I love it.

They say in this modern society people don't get enough alone time or just quiet time where they have no music playing in the background or the television switched on. And apparently because of this more and more people fear being alone or just hate being in silence.

So I guess in this modern society I am an anomaly, I love being in silence and having some time to myself. Since I have gotten my licence I have enjoyed those 20-minute-or-so car trips where I am alone and can just think without distractions. It is probably because of this that I don't necessarily cling to other people or rely on them, sure I love being around people -the more the better, but I don't mind if I am by myself either. And sometimes if I have the choice to do something by myself or with others I will choose to just go it alone.

I always used to think school was one of those things I wouldn't mind doing alone. In fact when I was in year 9 or 10 I actually wished that I could be home schooled or have my own personal tutor so that I could do everything at my own pace and not have to sit there and be yelled at beause some idiots couldn't shut up or have to wait while the teacher explained something again because people weren't listening. I was also a very self motivated person so I used to think it would just be easier to be by myself.

As the years went by I kind of forgot about that desire as I adjusted to the social side of school better and as school got a bit harder. But still in the back of my mind I did calculate how much quicker I could do things if just left to myself or how much more productive I could be if I didn't have distractions. I didn't stop to think that maybe I needed these people around me and that maybe they were what kept me going.

Since I have been home studying I have realised that although I love being alone I do need people. Although they may not help me get better grades or be more productive and although I seemed to be the optimistic person in my classes it is having other people around that keeps me going and that keeps me motivated.

This was a shocking realisation for me. I had never realised how much I needed people, especially at school. I always thought that if it was allowed I would be fine going it alone. I never realised how having others around to joke with or to share my marks with or even to have someone around ask the teacher about a silly concept that she has already explained a billion times would actually help me out.

The lovely Endeavour Year 12 class.

So I guess this is where I admit to you all that I need people. And to all my fellow Endeavour Seniors I say thank you! I needed you guys to help me get through school and to do my best so thank you for all the random conversations, pay outs and silly questions.
I love you all and thank you for making me realise that I don't want to go through life alone.
Em.x

Nature vs. Industrialisation

The breeze dances through my hair, its cool fingers sliding across my arms and tickling the back of my neck. I look out at the beautiful gardens in front of me, wondering at such beauty and calm.

A loud horn breaks me from my reverie and I look out to the right to see the cars banked up on the road just outside the gardens. Unfortunately I am not in the great outdoors but in the Botanic Gardens in the middle of the city, trying to get inspired to do some study.

Being here makes me think though. What was wrong with nature and the way things were? Who woke up and decided that they needed to build a tall metal structure higher then ever before? Who decided that things would be better if we made everything synthetically, if we industrialised all the processes of life?

I realise that I am not one to talk, I have embraced this industrialised life and live with the perks of it everyday but is it really better? Is life better now that we no longer need to talk to people face to face? We can simply get on the Internet and send off a quick email or instant message.

I think that we have lost something essential to ourselves in this modern world. Life seems to be getting more and more fast paced and there seems to be less and less reasons to need to go outside or even to talk to people nowadays. Who sits outside and just listens to the birds chatter or just sits in quiet? Just thinks about life and admires the beauty around them.

It makes me wonder if the reason that there are so many people with mental illnesses is due to the modern world. A world in which the personal touch is missing, a world where taking time out can lead to missing out. Are people breaking down because they have failed to get to know themselves? Because they haven't stopped and gotten to know the world around them? Because they haven't even thought about the reason why they exist? And when they do stop to think its all too much for them. Where do you start when getting to know yourself? When you having been living your whole life getting pulled along by the current and finally stop to question. Your whole life up until then can feel meaningless. And if you have never known meaning or passion how can you even begin to try and find it?

This reminds me of the character of Dysart in the play Equus. He is a psychiatrist who is treating a particularly disturbed and confused patient, after having treated so many patients before him he begins to question his methods. Is he actually healing these patients or taking away their Passion? Is he taking away their reason for life that has been distorted or confused by society?

Dysart himself has never known Passion, not in love and not in life. When he finally tries to break away from society and find it he is at a loss of where to start. He does not know how to "cure" these patients and give them a healthy Passion because he does not know what that is. He has lived his whole life being pulled along by the current of society and now he is left with so many questions that, he feels, can never be answered.

I think that the answer to all this lies simply in nature. All the questions do not matter if you can simply be. Connect to nature, connect to who you were made to be and follow God's guiding voice. The world may be rushing and busy and the Industrialised world may be more efficient and effective but there is no substitute for life.

Life and meaning cannot be synthesised.
And life can be found in nature.

Why is it so hard?

The music is blasting out the stereo, I am singing at the top of my lungs along to the latest Katy Perry album, I know all the words.

I am sitting in church we are having a really good discussion and I know there is a great verse I want to share but I can't quite remember it...

How come it seems so easy to get caught up in the world? Why do I spend more time listening to random pop songs then I do listening to God? I can rattle off the words to every song on the new Script album I got a few weeks ago but I can only recite a few verses from a bible I have been reading my whole life. There just seems to be something wrong here.

Do I devote more quality time to music then I do to God. I read my bible every morning but am I actually reading it? Am I soaking in the words of the bible like I soak in the lyrics of my favourite songs? I think back to my "quiet times" when I read my bible. Sure they may be quiet on the outside but my mind is racing constantly going off track, the songs I have been listening to playing in my head, listing off the assignments I have to do, considering what outfit I will wear to the party that night.

One of the few verses I know comes to my mind... Don not conform to the patterns of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. (Romans 12:2) Or as the message says don't become so well adjusted to your culture that you fit into it without even thinking. I feel like that is what I have done. I have conformed to this world, adjusted as to it as if its a natural thing.

That's the reason why I find it easier to sing along to all the Katy Perry songs then I do the remember the words of the bible. I have travelled so far from the path that God had set for me, become a lost orphan of this world instead of a child of God. The reason I can't spend quality time with God or hear his voice is because I have forgotten how, I have surrounded myself witht the world and that is all I know now.

So now in order to hear him clearly I must disconnect from the world, alienate myself from this culture... stick out like a sore thumb. I will become a child of God, fill my life with his word and his plans for my life. I know it won't be that simple but hopefully I may come out of this realisation with a few more encouraging verses up my sleave and a thirst for the life that god can give me and not a desire for the empty promises of the world.

So that's my question for the week... considered if not answered. I wonder what yours are?

the end.

Surrounded by a mash of bodies, on my head I feel someone's stubble, digging into my back is an elbow and I may have my hand on someone's face. The group shifts and suddenly my head is thrust into an armpit, a very smelly armpit, must be male. The pressure all around gets stronger as more and more bodies press in, the group buckles downwards and someone jumps on top. I'm yelling for people to get off but really I don't mind that I somehow ended up in the middle of a massive group hug/pile on in the middle of Noodle Box because this is one of the last memories I will have of the year 12s as a whole.

Year 12 has come to an end, well the school part has, all that's left is muck up day or "final day activities" as management has tried to rename it, for some reason its not sticking. I find myself at the end of what has been 13 years of my life and honestly I can't believe it. How did I end up here? I swear it was just yesterday I was bonding with my soon-to-be best friend on the first day of primary school over the fact that we had the same underwear. Now I have just finished my last day of year 12 classes with only exams left before I am spat out into the big wide world.

So I thought to make myself feel better I would start something new as year 12 comes to an end. This is what I am starting. This blog. I have been fighting the urge to blog for a while but I am finally giving in and will finally let everyone see just how much I over-think and over-analyse and hopefully not show them how bad I am with grammar. (Claire if you are reading this don't roll your eyes whenever you see a mistake... cut me a break we can't all have perfect grammar like you.)

I named my blog why? i ask. because really that bests sums up the purpose of this blog. To express and explore all the questions and issues I have just been dying to ask.

So be prepared for some deep, stupid and odd questions.

Until next time keep asking questions because wondering why is fun.
Em.x